i dunno. i know im really selfish. but have u wondered all i want is nt the branded stuffs or things u buy for me? u make me feel that feelings can be brought by using money. All i wanted was... i dunno? just sitting beside u all day, watching the tv tgt, munching our potato chips, growing fat.... a week without quarrelling.... i know that ive hurt u so many times in this 17 years... but... im still growing up? scolding me using ur sensei tone wont change me any better??? has that ever occurred to u? its not like i like u angry or wad.... who likes to be angry???? ur my only sister after all... i know i am very selfish. but have u realised that whenever ur irritated or angry, ur face is damn nasty? have u ever noticed that when u r angry, we quarrel, mama is stressed by it? haveu ever wondered why i always cry in the end? yes. i am weak. im a coward. BUT. i dont act. Maybe u have forgotten about this. but when i was younger, u said i was acting to look pitiful. so that mama will scold u. Do u know that this sentence haunts me until today? eveerytime i cry, be it quarrelling wif u or mama or u and mama or my friends, i would cry while asking myself : "r u really crying or fake crying? r u happy or sad? " i cant differentiate.... this is really confusing u know????? u think i like quarreling with u???? u ... rso unfair do u know??? only u can scold me vulgarities. only u can be angry. only u can give black face. only u can be bad tempered. only u canbe sad. only u can be the right ones. wth??? ur my sister i know...ya... but have u wondered about how i felt? how mummy flet?? everytime we quarrel, u give me the impression that im wrong. ya... 8/10 is mostly my fault. but im nt u... im clumsy! stupid! idiot! BLIND! DUMBASS! not like u... so capable... wad u want???? wad do u want??? all iwant is us nt quarreling... but then there we go again....
i know u have problems with ur work ppl, but, no one asks u not to complain to ma or me right? nv said anything. u dun say, nobody knows right??? and uu think ur the onlyone who got troubles.... ha... ... wad are families for???? ya... i know... u dun wan burden us... but hey, tho we cant really help u anything, but we can be ur listening ear! orjust sit beside u when u vent everything out... do u have to keep everything to urself??? u accuse ppl of doing this and this , but wad if they wont? u dun like ppl to accuse u, theny accuse other ppl? u r human, others are not human??? do u know that how scary it feels to contradict urselfwhile crying and looking at the fruit knife like it is a solution to everything??? i doubt u do ba... i dun rmb since when, everytime we quarrel and i cry, i would qn myself and if a penknife or knife comes across my view, i feel so tempted to end my life??? i doubt u knew... r we a family??? i make mistakes... now and then... very often... but the thing is im unable to learn my mistake by u scolding me and by me crying... u think its so nice to cry thrice a week??? go try thrn... go cry until tml morning ur eyes arepuffy with tears...i dun hate u... but pls consider other ppl's feelings aso!!! we have feelings!!! i have feelings! crying while questioning myself is gg to drive me mental!!! i really... dunno wad to do about u... maybe i should really learn to bottle erything up ... and hope i may get a heart failure soon... and die soon... maybe its a solution to our never ending quarrellings... |
